Writer's Syndrome

I wrote .. and scratched
I opened notepad and then closed it without saving
I knew one thing that my heart knew as well .. I could not write anymore
I coaxed some thoughts , I forced some letters into them .. but aha NO
The feeble writer in me , just refused to help me ..

Writer's syndrome as they call it .... I don't know what it seriously means ... however when I say I cant write anymore .. and I have this so called syndrome .. it makes me feel great .. makes me fit the league of writers and apparently into zone of some serious artists who after some wonderful art pieces took a break from writing

My case is a little different , or as you may read ahead .. you may differ to agree
I used to write poems from childhood .. In school they merely consisted of some words put together in form of rhymes . Though not poetical enough , they helped me in two things. Firstly in developing my grammar and vocabulary and second most importantly , it helped me put down my thoughts , to pen down my mind map and to unleash in words the deepest complex thoughts that I may not naturally say .
Though many who know me from recent past may disagree , I was a very introvert child . The writing helped me read myself and express myself to the unknown first , before it was read by parents and sister , who started complimenting my flow of thoughts into poetical and word formats

As time flew , and years passed ... and I journeyed across my youth .. thoughts became more clearer .. ideas more bright leading to strong opinions and structured views.I penned them down before they flew away with the time . I captured some of my innocent young romances , few of my walks that took me to unknown paths and also socially active views which gave me a little popularity in the form of blogs

Life took me to some more paths .. some darker then others but eventually brought in sunshine and some very luring but pushed me in grave darkness . My thoughts became more complicated and mind struggled more in understanding my own soul. I clashed into some of my own beliefs and took some actions which surprised me
Complicated minds cannot be mapped into words .. choked thoughts cannot be painted on a paper and following the pattern ..my half cluttered heart did not sing any soulful songs

I am trying to clear my mind off the past ... I wish that the paths of darkness turn to paths of faith .. regain the trust in my own goodness and strength of my pen
With this hope I will rest my mind and hope it shines back at me with more words and smiles

My Path

I opened my eyes dimly … eye lashes still wanting to kiss each other and go into that peaceful, delightful state .. eye lids as heavy as stone or metals .. Nodding my brain off to go back to the deep slumber…

                It’s a routine , a way of life and a stage too early for realization .. to conclude of the fate that it will carry us to. I fell off , in the depths of nowhere and in midst of thick dense fog of thoughts . Was it time to think? Was it time to unfold the self? Was it time to look back and analyse? I barely had guts to answer this, but my crazy mind swept me into the deep, without waiting for the signals of the brain.

                When I see at the outside world, I see everyone striving for happiness. Some for happiness of self and some, for others. Nevertheless it’s a journey of immense pain and hardship that will lead, as we think it will, to the path of eternal happiness and peace. Almost till the time I wrote this, I was an immense follower of this school of thought. I was a striver, a person with crave for happiness , a fierce greed to achieve that state of mind , and readiness to take the path of hardship which will lead me and my closed ones to the path of eternal bliss.

                Something happened somewhere in the midst of the path , not a storm , not a cyclone but it came as soft , natural way of wind .. I liked the way it touched me , and it turned the way I look at my life and the way others look at me .

                I am unable to predict future , and I don’t want too , all I ever wanted to do is keep the smiles going.. I v always strived for that and here I am going ahead on the roadpath where there is only darkness , the hope of light is very far ahead and very very dim. I know I v treaded the path of differently and a little out of brains , but I dint have any option . It was  a compulsive , totally involuntary course of action that was driving my mind .. without letting brain hinder its strong , single threaded and magnifying territory .

                This path I chose , was not always happy .. nor it promised me happiness at the end of it.But it taught me many unforgettable lessons that I cherish and keep close to my heart. It made me quit the endless strive for happiness , I was out of that race , out of that wait and longing for peace . Instead , I felt it was a constant companion , the peace .

                Hand in hand , I carried , one more constant companion , which was so variant , and unstable . Anger , frustration , sorrow all carried in a basket of uneasiness and discomfort . I called this as anti peace companion . These two constantly played hide and seek now .. and I was lost in this game .

                I realized , that none of them one handedly could make me win , or let me live . Both tried to reinforce their  strength , suppress each other , try to conquer my mind over .. but to no avail . I realized, for my benefit or not , they just have to keep this battle on . None  can beat other , none can prevail longer , none can be stronger . They have to go hand in hand , yet shoulder against each other , for me to survive.

                I realized , I hurt many others , many who are used to look forward for constant peace stage or who still strive for long happiness . I v let them down , the ones who want me to be at peace , who have dreamt a life full of smiles for me .. I have crushed their dreams , and have made them feel ditched and left them sad . But the underlined fact for me is that  , it’s a compulsive commitment to my two friends now. I cant let anyone of it go .. both of them need to be there for me to go ahead and get to the end of this path . The path , not wrong , not dark , but the one which does not promise colors and sunshine , path of grave commitment and constant war. My path of steady survival and constant wait

Is it my Own ?

 Human mind is always in search of one thing : Peace .... Its so amazing to see what a man does to bring peace to himself .... to his own self ....

                As i landed in Delhi .... I was in search of the same .... An entire night alone ... made me search for familiar faces .... I saw my friends and my mind rested in Peace .... What is it that gives us peace ?? New friends?? New job ?? New city ??? I dint bother to think about it .. too excited of my new internship ... exhilarated about the new sooo ‘heared about’ place , out own Capital , Delhi...

                I never thought of coming to this place until today and trust me I was so damn nervous ..  A place famous for frauds , unsafe for girls , city full of pollution , and terrors .... My first few days just went in adjusting myself to its dry hot weather .The unknown roads , difficult commute , salty water and sun so hard on you , it was truly challenging time.....

                                As i started roaming around , I found the city more interesting ... Travelling alone gave me opportunities to visualise and experience some things i wud generally have missed . The city is just like Mumbai .... people running trying to cope up with the fast moving Time ,  there were rich .. so filthy and so classy ... there were poor by the road side .... people craving for money more than comfort .... people moving towards west with their legs firmly bound to the Indian soil .... all this and much more ..... It was soo much like my own city....

                First few days were full of loneliness , and worry .... New place induces a certain kind of creepy feeling ... Cos the mind is full of things said and heard .... but totally inexperienced ...

                I missed the trains back home , the people there , my language , the food ..... and there were many more things that wont be justified of mention....  Days passed by and the place became a lil familiar ....

And then one day it rained............. all the dust gone ... all the dirt removed .... all the pain washed ...I decided to to make the city my own ....

                And........ then the things became sooo soo easyyy .... i became fond of the food , observed the places ... looked amusingly at the people around .... they were all the same ..... same as my own people out there ..... the place was mine now .... and i was all over the city...

                I settled down and started loving the place . People say human mind s very adjusting .... It keeps on trying , works hard to find one thing ... Peace .... My mind was finally at ease and heart was smiling back .... It was all due to my dear friends and my changed outlook .... I am back .... and so is peace of my mind ... still wondering ... is it my own ??

Wake up...........

The thought of writing something came to my mind again and again , but i put it at the back of my mind. Fearing i will write some crap , express what i should not , do what i need not , and force people to visualise the complexities of my fairly nominal life.

                But today suddenly , i thought of picking up a pen and write down what i feel , what i am going through. ‘Pick up a pen’ , does that ring bell in ur mind ? when is the last time we did that ? Especially the tech savvy ones , and the ones sitting at their push desk 12 hours a day .

                Its 3 30 am in the hostel and when i take a look around in the campus , there is no human soul in the sight . I take a round along the dim lit hostel corridors, the rooms are nicely lit , laptops still running , Mobile phones still buzzing , maggi machines still steaming .

                Take a closer look , most of them are multi tasking . That is what the Gen Next calls it , when they find no valid reason for loss of concentration. These multi tasking species of human race , chat , socialise , study , eat , use mobile , listen to music  simultaneously. This extreme super powered brain , allows them to perform parallel in all the tracts and succeed in all of them. That atleast is the perception of these 25 somethings  who at the best of their age , fail to understand what is worst way of living this best part . Early to bed , early to rise is saying of the past , we all know . Late to bed , late to rise is a long lost one too . The Gen next spends sleepless nights , and doing what ???? Chat with seemingly ‘JUST Friends’ or Watching so called ‘IN Movies’ . Then they get up just in time for the lecture , which they cruelly bunk in the name of ‘Bulky Professors and Bulkier Books’. The day continues to enjoy itself and ends .But when ??? Again at the same time folks .. 4 am

                Oh my my too much of a writing for the day .... Lost track of time guys ... its 5 30 already .I have a lecture to attend in 2 hours . And today i dint watch a movie , I dint have stupid chat with roomies and i neva did study with the wrong intention of getting marks. I wrote something that i feel day after day about me and all my dear friends . Wake up guys .... and not for the lectures ... not for the movies ... for sport .. but for yourself first and for your health ...

                I will take your leave ... hot steaming Maggi awating me and my favourite novel waiting for me since hours ... Take care ..

Lifeline Lost and Back............Again

 The chill of the winter and early frosty air

The fresh sky and clouds so fair

No head turns , no eyes c this beauty

Every mind is busy with the new born qwerty

This is the state of today’s man, who is dangerous captive of the his most addictive creation . The mobiles which was invented once to help communication, has in turn made him immobile and non responsive. I am an hard core user of mobile, my 24* 7 support. An entertainer for bored, friend for a loner, assistant for a professional, postman for a messenger and lifeline for a lover. It will be highly difficult for anyone to remain away from its addiction and continuous obsession. I being suffering from monophobia have to have a constant interaction with my cellular friend . This is in fact the most important , the most evident and most time consuming part of my daily life , and also the  one which helps me being myself and self satisfied.

                In last few years it has been a constant and endearing supporter, though it has been changing its forms from time to time. It helps me in socialising and personalising both at the same time ... one amazing aspect of this device. In last few years i got 5 of them and lost 3 L

                This number will surely be fantasy for a play boy of the city but trust me , for me it was that of enormous pain and sacrifice. The first one I lost in mere 10 days , it was just a small baby and I left it unattended in an auto rickshaw .The second one , a more professional one and a costly one too . It was a unique product from Sony, specialising in music quality. I think I am a born creative in loosing things especially this friend of mine.  I lost this one in my own office near the water cooler, tried to discover the theory behind “one minute theft” and left everything else to tears. The new one came at a lesser rate of money and heavier rate of hearty beat. The so called adjusting one , not because it had a flap structure but because it was bought with a sense of adjustment and not matter of choice . It remained with me for a very long time and we share a lot of memories beyond 1 GB that was inbuilt .But it gave way to my heavy heavy usage and its spinal cord was thoroughly damaged .The next one came as a second hand from my dad. Used it judiciously with no dearth of attention this time . This one is still with me, my sole obedient server , and one of the simplest of its kind.

                After that came a DUAL sim , from the kinds that aamir khan work with , a very attractive child of Samsung . The first touch screen phone I had, though I never had a longing to buy one but this one best satisfied my needs for dual active sim and an awesome camera to capture my new relay of events .It was friend for my friends and piece of show for my foes .This one with a perfect shine of chocolate brown and a wide touch screen also had advantage of an awesome lens and attracted the janta by its mere presence. It depicted the perfect one for the moment and after long I was very happy with my friend again .

                One fine day, I lost it again . Amidst the scorching heat of sun, heavy baggage and stinking environment, I never found it. All the memories lost in a split of a second , the sense of belongings was overpowered by loss of all the materialistic losses attached to it .

The gone is gone, for both present and future

Now comes the cruel pain and its torture

Along with it comes the hope of finding new

It will bring back smiles, wide and few

                Time has come again to find my lost friend, my own lost soul. I am sure it will come back to me in one form or other. This one will hopefully be long lasting and enduring term of our friendship. I am waiting with my arms wide open. Come on in.... and come soon

The Apple eyed boy

 On a bright sunny afternoon i saw a bright little boy playing in the symbiosis garden , i thought about a long lost friend of mine. I was sucked into maze of thoughts and suddenly i realized how far time takes us without we knowing it at all. This friend of mine , a very special one since we both learnt 2+ 2 for the first time . A very bright boy , grasped things very fast , easy learner and excellent at mathematics . He was the blue eyed boy of  school , the apple of teachers eye and a example set for students like me who used to enjoy the benefits of last bench , made fun of the teachers , irritated the good ones and were proud to have been thrown out from time to time .

                One fine day, our teacher came and announced that there is going to be a GK quiz for the entire class . All the first benchers became anxious and there was a roar from the rear of the class. We had a week to prepare for the quiz. Mr topper was already on the top of clouds. He had heard that the prize money is going to be Rs 3000 . He had already started discussing about new bicycle that he was going to buy with the prize money.

                Though it might look like Mr Topper was over confident it was a routine for us, he had always been the winner , he was the one with the talent , ability to work hard . He was the Hero of our class and we all admired him for the same. I decided to work hard this time but soon realised its gonna be like any other quiz for me. I was keen to buy a bi cycle myself but to beat Mr topper was not easy Job .

                The D day arrived . . Mr topper got up , with the left foot down from Bed ... ting ting .. The first wrong signal . “Oh God, let everything go alright” , said Mr topper to himself . “ I will have to go and give my regular best .Its a habit for me now . This quiz will not only get me a bicycle but will add one more feather in my cap” . With raised spirits and sweaty forehead, Mr topper reached the college . The results of the quiz were announced immediately after the test .This was the most exciting feature of the day.

                The test started, time went on, hours turned to minutes, minutes to seconds and soon the school bell  rang. There was hush hush in class, some were crying for more time and others were discussing answers furiously. Mr topper was blatantly showing off the easiness with which he wrote the answers.

                Time came for the results to be announced. Mr topper was at best of his nerves.  His face was red, hands sweating with anxiety, butterflies in his stomach and ant in his pants. He snatched the answer paper from the supervisor. “93”, a heavenly figure, “None of them would have scored more than this” . He gave a snobbish smile and looked around. The entire class had gathered around besides a boy . He was so small meek that I had barely ever noticed him . He was in a state of shock and panic. His score was 98 .Aghast by this, Mr topper gnashed his teeth and ran frantically towards him, jerked the paper out of started his hands and started counting his total fiercely .

                “Hey hey hey .... Yee... I am the only winner here. His total is 88.“he flipped the paper and started moving . The weak boy came forward and held hand. There were tears in his eyes and worry on his forehead. He explained to him how much he had worked diligently to win the prize. His sister was in Hospital and he badly needed the quiz money to pay his bills. He pleaded not to reveal the truth and let him get the prize. Our Mr topper was caught in a battle of fire and water. His pride would not let him give away for his heart. He threw an angry look at the boy and stared at him for a minute long.  

To our surprise, he turned around and went back to his desk silently. All were dumbstruck and in awe of his decision. We all applauded for his braveness and big heartedness .This was the first time in early schooling that I realised that there are some things bigger and better than winning prizes , winning accolades and marks , and that is winning hearts . As said by John Wesley

Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.”

Life at its Peak....

Life at its peak .The very thing that comes to my mind if i look back at the last few years of my life. The most happening, the most exhilarating and the most memorable. Perhaps that the reason it last for the smallest time .What we call as youth turns out to be the most promising , most energetic and the one with maximum colours
Why i think of it as something special and most unusual is the fact that it can never come back ..and... I wish it never leave in first place. I have enjoyed each and every moment of my life in twenties. And still continue to do so.
When we first come out of what we call as teens. We generally tend and want to be adults as soon as possible. We want to be on our own. Like many of us i tried taking decisions on my own, fought with parents, friends, messed up relations and screwed the exams. But all in all it has been a wonderful journey with all the above being just one side of the old coin. The better half had friends , cherished moments at school and high school, heart throbs along with heartbreaks, crushes and laughs.
As we come to end of teens we suddenly hate all the things that we did in the past. Everything seems to be a waste of time ... time spend with friends seem to be a waste ...and fights seem very silly . All in all it seems that life till date had been a joke ... A sudden urge rushes in .. An urge to get serious,an urge to make a fortune . Urge to make our own future.. An urge to show case our personality and capability to the world.. This urge and longing kills everything else that we had called as Life. Earth starts rotating faster than once in 24 hrs and world turns upside down . The ideas topple over each other and creative juices flow in. We all suddenly come into what we call as late twenties of life. Life gets fuller with commitments both personal and professional ... Job eats up more than half of your time and the next half goes into cribbing for the same.
We... the ones who wanted to grow old as soon as possible suddenly carry sullen faces...Now again comes the time we want to be silly... Kiddish.... as stupid as possible... All we want to do is chat with friends , go on long walks , get drenched like mad in rain ... we miss our crushes and heartbreaks ... and we miss our friends and above all we start missing our parents. We realize after a long time that there is something soft and pink which pumps blood for us ... we feel it ache .. Sense it more than the vibes of our Brain.. We come to think we have lost it.. Both our mind and our heart.... What we need is a change.. A bigger and better one
This change is different direction for each and every one of us.. We choose a different colour.. a different road on the map ... a different flower from the garden ... and not all get to choose again and the right one too ...
I feel myself very lucky to get this chance again ... Lost many things ... fought back again ... and never regret on the same ... I chose wrong paths which seem correct now and some correct ones which in the end turned out to be entirely fruitless ... But i cherish the fruits of taking a new step nevertheless ... the vital change .. The new beginning and an early revamp ... I am myself once again... My true self.. However silly. However funny ... I enjoy being ME ... People might hate my 24 hr smile. My crazzzy behaviour and my who cares attitude but I am definitely once again in LOVE for myself. deep Love for my own self