I opened my eyes dimly … eye lashes still wanting to kiss each other and go into that peaceful, delightful state .. eye lids as heavy as stone or metals .. Nodding my brain off to go back to the deep slumber…
It’s a routine , a way of life and a stage too early for realization .. to conclude of the fate that it will carry us to. I fell off , in the depths of nowhere and in midst of thick dense fog of thoughts . Was it time to think? Was it time to unfold the self? Was it time to look back and analyse? I barely had guts to answer this, but my crazy mind swept me into the deep, without waiting for the signals of the brain.
When I see at the outside world, I see everyone striving for happiness. Some for happiness of self and some, for others. Nevertheless it’s a journey of immense pain and hardship that will lead, as we think it will, to the path of eternal happiness and peace. Almost till the time I wrote this, I was an immense follower of this school of thought. I was a striver, a person with crave for happiness , a fierce greed to achieve that state of mind , and readiness to take the path of hardship which will lead me and my closed ones to the path of eternal bliss.
Something happened somewhere in the midst of the path , not a storm , not a cyclone but it came as soft , natural way of wind .. I liked the way it touched me , and it turned the way I look at my life and the way others look at me .
I am unable to predict future , and I don’t want too , all I ever wanted to do is keep the smiles going.. I v always strived for that and here I am going ahead on the roadpath where there is only darkness , the hope of light is very far ahead and very very dim. I know I v treaded the path of differently and a little out of brains , but I dint have any option . It was a compulsive , totally involuntary course of action that was driving my mind .. without letting brain hinder its strong , single threaded and magnifying territory .
This path I chose , was not always happy .. nor it promised me happiness at the end of it.But it taught me many unforgettable lessons that I cherish and keep close to my heart. It made me quit the endless strive for happiness , I was out of that race , out of that wait and longing for peace . Instead , I felt it was a constant companion , the peace .
Hand in hand , I carried , one more constant companion , which was so variant , and unstable . Anger , frustration , sorrow all carried in a basket of uneasiness and discomfort . I called this as anti peace companion . These two constantly played hide and seek now .. and I was lost in this game .
I realized , that none of them one handedly could make me win , or let me live . Both tried to reinforce their strength , suppress each other , try to conquer my mind over .. but to no avail . I realized, for my benefit or not , they just have to keep this battle on . None can beat other , none can prevail longer , none can be stronger . They have to go hand in hand , yet shoulder against each other , for me to survive.
I realized , I hurt many others , many who are used to look forward for constant peace stage or who still strive for long happiness . I v let them down , the ones who want me to be at peace , who have dreamt a life full of smiles for me .. I have crushed their dreams , and have made them feel ditched and left them sad . But the underlined fact for me is that , it’s a compulsive commitment to my two friends now. I cant let anyone of it go .. both of them need to be there for me to go ahead and get to the end of this path . The path , not wrong , not dark , but the one which does not promise colors and sunshine , path of grave commitment and constant war. My path of steady survival and constant wait
